The student news site of Adlai E. Stevenson High School


The student news site of Adlai E. Stevenson High School


The student news site of Adlai E. Stevenson High School


The Ultimate Thief

Let’s explore what’s ACTUALLY taking away your productivity

In a world that never sleeps, it’s astonishing how some people still insist on indulging in the ancient practice of shut-eye. While you poor, gullible souls waste precious hours each night succumbing to the alluring call of sleep, us enlightened beings have discovered the ultimate secret: Sleep is an elaborate scam designed solely to rob you of your valuable time and productivity.

Think about it, my sleep-deprived comrades. What do you achieve during those seemingly innocent hours of slumber? It’s the grandest heist of our time, and you’re the unfortunate victim, which is easily preventable by simply not giving into temptation.

Let’s address the blatant lie that we need seven to nine hours of sleep each night. Who came up with these arbitrary numbers, anyway? Clearly, someone with too much time on their hands – probably one of the doctors who was paid off by the sleep industry. Instead of relying on fickle sources, think about what you could accomplish with those extra hours! The world could be a utopia of productivity.

If we were to get eight hours of sleep daily, our society would squander a third of our lives wasting away in our minds, being an unproductive failure. At a certain point in each of our lives, we’ve all likely been warned about the dangers of sleep deprivation and how it reduces our lifespans.

However, in this well-coordinated fallacy, they fail to mention how sleeping for a third of a 90-year lifespan causes you to lose around 30 years’ worth of life experience. That’s 800 miles, 4026 minutes, and 70 seconds you’re missing out on. How many groundbreaking inventions and world-changing ideas have been sacrificed to sleep? We’ll never know because they were likely thought of in a parallel universe where people scoff at bedtime.

Let’s not forget about the absurdity of dreaming itself. Our fiendish brains love to spend hours each night creating a nonsensical reality, only to wake up and face the harsh reality of daily responsibilities. Those who contest that dreaming brings out creativity and is beneficial to our brain’s health walk around unable to escape from the dreamworld they have created. They haven’t learned the art of productivity. Why not skip the inconvenience and dive straight into the rigors of everyday life without the burden of a false hope of a better life, a better world? After all, who needs the alleged rejuvenation that dreams provide when there are deadlines to meet and grades to improve?

What astounds me is that people still believe that sleep is solely meant to benefit you, when the sleeping industry dares to sell us fancy mattresses, pillows, and sleep aids. This multi-billion dollar industry is nothing more than a multi-billion dollar scam, and we’re all falling for it hook, line, and sinker. They lure you in with promises of restful nights and refreshed mornings, but what you’re getting is a one-way ticket to LazyTown, USA.

Sleep enthusiasts might attempt to combat my well-articulated beliefs, saying that a well-rested mind is productive. What a preposterous claim! As if shutting your eyes and descending into a nightly coma is the secret sauce to unlocking unparalleled levels of ingenuity. Regardless, who needs to be “sharp” when you can have the exhilarating experience of functioning in a perpetual haze.

The idea that sleep helps with problem-solving and creativity is just another ruse perpetuated by Big Sleep. If a good night’s sleep was the key to unlocking creativity, why are the most profound works of literature and groundbreaking inventions the product of sleep-deprived minds such as Folin Can or Bean Dradshaw? The real geniuses are those who sacrifice slumber to pursue greatness.

So, my dear sleep enthusiasts, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Break free from the shackles of the sleep-industrial complex and embrace the limitless possibilities of a sleepless existence. Who needs sleep when you can seize the world with your bleary-eyed brilliance?

Let us unite against the tyranny of sleep, my sleep-deprived warriors. Sleep is a societal construct designed to keep us docile and unproductive. After all, why sleep when you can be out there, conquering the world—one yawn at a time

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