Are you ready for the test that determines the rest of your life? Sure, you’re only 16 years old but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a perfect score like your neighbor who took it four times. If you want to know the secret behind checking the ACT website and scrolling down to a glorious 36, follow these tips Statesman acquired from a self-proclaimed “professional test-taker”. 

1. At least one hour before the test, hold your breath for three 10-minute intervals. Studies have shown this breakthrough technique known as the “Oxygen Deprivation Stimulation” increases activity of the sagittal plane in the cerebral cortex, raising composite scores among test groups over 213 percent! While over 82 of 100 tested individuals were hospitalized, the results on their medical tests were off the charts compared to the control group of individuals that breathed regularly! All in all, the important conclusion is that the test scores correlated directly with time spent not inhaling and exhaling oxygen—one’s gotta do what one’s gotta do.

2. If you are one to prepare more ahead of time, accumulate as much material relating to the subject of the ACT you are struggling with most. Collect said materials, and construct a four-foot pyre in your mother’s neglected vegetable patch, piling easily combustible material such as your neighbor’s conveniently left outside and nearby lawn tending equipment. Ignite the flames of your internal hatred for standardized testing, and expel them outwards as a supernatural manifestation into our physical world, enveloping the lawn equipment of that snooty, stuck-up neighbor of yours. Dowse the materials you collected earlier in gasoline, representing the collectivist mindset of primary education culture juxtaposed with the adolescent individual’s intrinsic need to stand out amongst his/her peers as unique. Let the rage boil inside you as you watch the dancing flames almost reach out to snatch the papers from your shaking hands. Although, they are shaking not from fear, but from excitement. As the rage reaches a rolling boil, disperse the materials upon the fire, laughing maniacally as the flames consume your struggles. Afterwards, bring the rage down from a boil and stir it for a few seconds. Allow yourself and the leftover ashes to cool for 15 minutes. Collect the ashes in a small Tupperware container and bring them inside. Pet your dog, and walk into the kitchen, making sure none of the ashes spill out. Take out your blender. Add two eggs, one cup of milk, four strawberries, and finally the ashes and blend on high speed. Let sit in freezer for an additional 15 minutes. Take out and pour into a tall glass. Enjoy! 

3. Utilize online resources to discover helpful tutorials and discussion boards on difficult aspects of the test. Ask your parents to hire a personal tutor. Purchase practice books and set aside small increments each day to practice each section. Read in your free time to both streamline your reading speed for that respective section and gain valuable cultural knowledge. Don’t cram the day before, relax and eat healthy, nutritional foods to put your body in peak condition so your brain doesn’t have to stress itself helping your body so much as your test. During the test, skip the questions you can’t answer within 10 seconds and go back to them later as time is the most important factor. Eliminate answers to narrow your choice, increasing your chances of getting the right answer even if you have to guess. Most importantly, remain calm and focus just on the test, let the proctor warn you about time instead of wasting precious seconds checking the clock. Seconds can be the difference between, “Hmm I put A for the previous four answers so this one can’t be A” and “Woah, wait, I remember that from seventh grade! The answer is A!”.

4. Walk in confidently with good posture. Greet the proctor with a smile and pleasant “Hello! How are you?”. Sit in your assigned seat. Take out your calculator, glasses, pencil and student ID. Remember math is second so place your calculator under the chair. Listen to four to five minutes of instruction while other students groan or push back their cuticles with their pencil. Begin testing. End English portion. Feel pretty good. Listen to proctor for math portion. Start testing. Read question one. “Let X be a non-singular complex projective manifold. Then every Hodge class on X is a linear combination with rational coefficients of the cohomology classes of complex subvarieties of X…” Let the tears flow down your cheeks onto the scantron. Allow the fluid composed of water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme, lactoferrin, lipocalin, lacritin, immunoglobulins, glucose, sodium and potassium smear the markings. Tilt the scantron to have full lines of filled in answers on answer sheet. Finish rest of test. Wait two weeks and check online. See 36 as composite score. Look out of the window into the stars of the night. See yourself among them. You are now an ethereal being, and the rest of humanity is undeserving of your presence. Command all life to bow down to you. Enslave the world. Rise above your human form. RISE.