Stevenson SuperStore Catalog: 2021 Edition

Staffer pitches latest additions featured in SuperStore catalog


Introduction + Product Overview: Hello, prospective customer! Welcome to the Stevenson SuperStore, where we sell everything from chapstick to branded face shields. “Stick to the pencils and textbooks,” some might say; we think that’s a little uncreative. Admittedly, our commitment to source products that meet the golden standard of novelty may have repulsed a few students here and there. But if you’re ever curious, don’t hesitate to scour around. These guide pamphlets won’t read themselves. 

Mask Adhesives: The strips that secure loose ends of your mask comfortably and reliably. Perfect for school, the grocery store and just about anywhere else your masked self goes. But be warned. After the six-hour time period elapses, these adhesives will begin to fuse with your skin. No exaggerations here. Do not prod nor pick at the strips. This will only cause further irritation and burrowing under the epidermis. Just leave it be. You must now learn to coexist with it.

Cafeteria Cookies: This product may contain traces of cannabis.

Patriot Pods: But not the ones you’re thinking about. Yes, these Pods were actually able to make their debut within the Stevenson community. They function as normal ear plugs would, but with added school spirit flair. Green and gold with three stars… you know the deal. Perfect for tuning out droning Zoom lectures (cameras off, of course) and annoying peers who prod you for the FRQ prompts during your lunch break! Be sure to take them off before the start of class… or not. We really don’t care.

Stevenson 101 Student Guide Pamphlets: This will be some of the most useful prose you’ll ever come across in your high school career. Included in the pamphlet are email templates (surefire way to get the grade boost you need), suggested passing period routes and all Rate-My-Teacher reviews from before the website revamp. We lightly suggest that you don’t snoop around for further context or fact-checking purposes. Others have done so at their own peril. So, why don’t you sit right back down, enjoy our cute tips and stop asking questions?